this a nightmare

ive been thinking about my life
n i realized im worth FOR CRAP. i dont do anything or know anything. im not capable of beind independent with my own self. i depend of a stupid bag of pills n if i dont take them im insane. i know im a complete issue for my family n friends. n everything is just so wrong n im exhausted of being bipolar n being sad. idk what to do to be happy, i really dont. n im desperate...

this is what happens when i dont take lithium

this what happens to me...
btw, sorry for not writing in days again.

SAT, OCT 24
So i've been going to therapy for the past 3 days since im incredebly depressed... My doctor says that i need motivation... idk what he meant... ive been crying for no apparent reason, ivnt eat.. i just feel really bad about myself all the time.. maybe cause of the lack of lithium.. im back with the pills but idk, i just still feel bit sad.. its weird, i just dont really wanna do anything.. not even skate or discuss about polithics
My psychiatrist recomended me to take another hobbie involving something i like to so.. he kinda encouraged to taking some music clases, i mean i enjoy music n stuff but it would be awesome if i could make it too showing my own ideas to the world right?? so yeah he told me brother n he said hes gonna make n efford to pay some Bass classes for me, i mean bass is sweet, n its not really that hard. so my doctor talked about a teacher that will go to my house n teach me bass there, n since he recomended it its not really gonna be expensive.. well see.
so beside the bass n stuff he told me to spend more time for myself n stop worrying about simons personal life.. cause he says i just worry too much about him n since i cant please him all the time that just makes me feel bad.. cause its like part of my personality... "you always give it all for others n end forgetting about yourself" eventho im stubborn i kinda have a really low self esteem....
im having horrible nightmares n i cant sleep cause im fuckin exhausted of waking up scared so i rather stay awake.. i didnt sleep for two days in a row... n i was very aggresive n violent.. i fought with my brother more than once too..

FRI OCT 23,
i took my lithium finally but i still felt really angry with myself. idk whats going on n why i feel so mad n shit n im like in thr worse mood n everything just sucks. im not even in the mood of hanging out.
i went to school n i didnt talk much or did much.. i was just there... i didnt pay attention n after classes i went to my appointment with the psychiatrist. he noticed i was very stressed n stuff.
when i got home i just went to bed n slept. all i wanna do is sleep.. but then i couldnt cause i woke up because of that stupid nightmare again.

THU, OCT 23
i was depressed, i didnt even go to school. or ate... it was a fucked day n i just thought about my fuckin worthless self.. im hitting the bottom. i know i am..

aha so..

TODAY:
TUR, OCT 21
i spent the entire day walking arround school n chilling. i was awake during class which was weird.. i spent time with my buddies n also ate fine. it was all good i even skated n stuff. it was all fine untill i came home. i decided i wanted to eat a small meal, but guess what? my brother bought the biggest pizza he could find. i ate like half of it n it made me really shitty, so yeah it made me have nauseas n it all ended in the toilet.. n now i feel really dizzy n stuff, eventho i know im not starving cause i ate well during morning n lunch... so i guess ill be okay. just hope my vision gets back to normal, when i puke i kinda get the worse blurry vision ever!

MON, OCT 20
so me n pete are friends again, he said he wasnt gonna be that stupid again. eventho we dont plan to step downtown anytime soon.
i kinda wanna get a new piercing, so we went to this store to like ask for them n stuff. they were arround 30 bucks, which is like damn expensive, but ill see when i can get it. we also went to this costume store, i already decided i wanna be a supa jamaican black man lmao yes like bob marley.. so im looking forward to use some wig with dreads or something ahh its gonna rock!

K, so i know ive been gone for weeks and stuff...

but idk life is being kinda busy for me.. with school and all that stuff, im sure you all know what i mean.but dont panic! ill try n make a brief summary about the days ive been absent:

SUN, OCT 19: means today.. so i just got back from Washington DC, why was i there? ill explain; my brother n his wife have been having marriage trouble, my brother firgured out id be better if he left to just think things straight. since he cant drive yet he asked me to come with him (that was arround thursday.) so yeah we woke up, had a real cheap breakfast n i drove n hour to rockville. We also had to pick Shawnna from her moms house cause apparently she thought id be better to have someone else help her with taking care of the babies. ok so we got home n i was dying of hunger so yeah, guess what? we went to another healthy food restaurant that shawnna likes. We usually have lunch out on sundays anyway, but god, i love junk idk how she can live eating like she does!! anyway.. and now, i just got home. Im planning to do hw, and catch up with stuff they did on friday.. Talan told me it was a shitload. so wish me luck!

SAT, OCT 18: yesterday me n my brother were bored at home. so we went to this weird mall there in dc n ate pizza and afterwards we rented this movie n went to the hotel room to watch it. the movie was called TAKEN. idk i liked it. hah. it was fun. then i went to bed cause i was tired

FRI, OCT 17: on friday i was dying to find a pc so i like walked the DC streets all over to find one.. but. i coudlnt. so i went to the library n bought a book. then i sat in this park n read like half of it... but i got bored so i went to this skatepark n rented a board, and skated for like 3 or 4 hours. my brother was sleeping in the hotel room when i left but by the time i got there he was so mad idk. lol but he cant blame me i cant just be enclosed home the entire freaken day!!!

THU, OCT 16: my brother had a fight with his wife like i already said, so when i got back from school i packed my stuff, we had dinner n left right away, shawnna was already at her moms house.i drove all the way to dc, and we found a not so cheap but neither that expensive hotel and we got a room for 2. it had tv with cable n everything, but you know my brother kinda owned the tv cause he cant do much yet... i was glad i was skipping school n stuff, idk i didnt really wanna go.

WED, OCT 15: so pete is insane, i got into trouble cause he broke a glass of this chicken restaurant with a brick n broke like some stans too. n i also was trying to defend him so i ended hitting the store's owner with a bottle O_O i was freaking out while peter was all amused.. so yeah that sorta pissed me off in a way... cause he didnt use to be a violent person or anything idk.. i just hope it doesnt happen again. (this happened on tuesday) n right now i kinda wanna talk to him to just see what he has to say, anyway.. my brother doesnt know. but the few ppl that are aware told me not to put a step downtown in a while. i wasnt even planning to return anyway... but yeah. we didnt wear anything to cover our faces up... so im probably being hunted... ahh i dont wanna go to jail. but. right now im kinda more calm than before, cause believe it or not im a very nervous person,. im glad i was still into lithium cause id probably have a nervous breakdown after what happened lol.

so the rest ive done is study like a MF at school... im trying hard, i want a scholarship... but who knowsi still have no idea what im gonna do with my life well see what happens....oh and something else, ill really try n keep this blog daily this time.. im kinda forgetting stuff somehow. (thats why i didnt write anything else of other days that have passed) maybe if i keep writing i wont forget anything i do in my life lol.

**bwt, last OCTOBER 5 was lizzy's birthday so that day i made a video for her on my youtube. i couldnt upload it untill the next day, which sucked. but yeah EVERYONE LIZ'S BDAY WAS THAT DAY.. so if you read my blog or something make sure u check it out in my youtube account

GO VEGAN!!

sunday (sep 28): i went to a PETA reunion with Pete, we kinda stayed the entire day discussing about animal rights n stuff, i had fun. Im kinda angry about animal maltreat in so many ways, i wanna do something about it beside yelling or making protests... idk, well see what i come with.
at night i went with simon to eat pizza, i didnt puke wich was amazing!

Today: I just got back from school, I'm kinda doing my h.w. and stuff; I need to focus in school cause I'm failing some subjects, I can't just not do anything about it.. physics is kicking my ass and well the english teacher is a bitch so shes not really gonna make it easy for me this yr.. gosh.
I'm so happy my brother is going to therapy by tomorrow, since his wounds are almost healed, he's gonna try and walk again. LIKE FINALLY, I bet he might be sick of that wheelchair... (I'd be insane) Well, he's a very brave person, I admire him for having to go thru all that stuff 'n still keep his head up. Lets hope life for him starts getting better every day from now on, and that hes happy with his wife n his kids, he seriously doesn't need any more trouble, from anything (including myself): so I guess that if I stopped getting sick it would be MEGAsweet lol.

CYA!

Guess who got back from theee grave?

Kev has being lost, kinda... My computer just collapsed again, i got it earlier.. so yeah FINALLY!
i kinda miss talking to lizzy :( i hope shes not mad at me over being gone for so fuckin LONG lol.

Kevins life...

Thursday (sept 25): i went to school, normally, i still had the flu by then, so i got sent home cause i was puking too much. Shawnna just gave me soup all day LONG it was so boring lol.

Friday (sept 26): i didnt go to school, but my computer was broken so i couldnt even turn it on :(. It also was Shawnna and Simon's Anniversary so guess who stayed with the babies.. yes.. ME! and Shawnnas mom (they kinda dont trust me alone anymore lol). So Myriam kinda POSESSED the television and made me watch some boring ballett show! i was dyiiing. so i played with scott untill he punched my nose... it hurt.. so it remained red untill morning. When the twins went to bed me n Myriam cooked lmao, it was so fun cause me n my grandma who lives in maine never did such thing.. so it kinda was like having one of those story grandmas? idk.. but we made cookies n a dessert for them, eventho i kinda ate all the thing before even giving it to them (it was soo fuckin good) anyway, i didnt puke, so i was HAPPY n.n! then they got home n ate n stuff n i guess i just watched more tv, told simon to fix my pc n went to bed.

Saturday (sept 27): i watched tv all morning, then went to the skatepark to hang out with josh n dylan.. i ran into pete and talan but didnt talk much to them. I came home arround 6 n i was mad cause my computer was still kidnapped in the "well fix ur comp fast and cheap" n they said it'd be delivered by 4 n it was already 2 hours late!!! so i called n bitched the dude... thankfully it wasnt Jake lol. i got my pc arround 9.. but simon didnt let me on. n now its like 3 am, im hyper and nobody is online!!!! >.< lol. ill go to bed.

later buddies!

The Flu Part II

Ok so I still have the flu as you can guess, and besides I got another shitload of HW to do, and I'vn't even started (akwardly). So eventho I still got this stupid virus, I ate more than yesterday; without puking, I had a Shake (ultrasugarized) drink, a Diet Pepsi and this morning I had eggs and coffee, when I got home I stucked some cheese down and tried hard not to dump it out (yay I didn't!)--I was starving!-- But then like an hour ago I tried eating rice, it went out right away, and also tried eating a chocolate bar and it also came out! So I guess I'm done eating for today... Eventho I ate quite a few... I felt really shitty during the day like with stomache and dizzyness from not eating, well like everyone says "well at least I didn't pass out like a Talan"

Perse all this I've been in a really good mood today, I didn't fall asleep in any class wich a fucking huge achievement for me **lol**.

Next step, HW, and then I plan to have a nice sleep, I really disearve it since I didn't sleep at school and last night I didn't go to bed just untill 12am of today.

I just thought I'd post some pics of my nephews so stalkers can see...

this is when they were born

here they are playing.. and Scott is kinda mad.. then Matt is always happy.

Scotty and Matty